Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
