Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Randomize
