I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
