He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
