Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
