I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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