Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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