How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
