life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
