Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
