I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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