What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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