walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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