we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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