I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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