You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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