When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
