I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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