So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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