I wish I could punch you in the face.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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