I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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