some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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