Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
