All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
