I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
