You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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