Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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