OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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