Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
