I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
