i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize