I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
