I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
