I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
