i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Still dying that you shit outside
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
