Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
