so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
