WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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