i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
