my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
