Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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