Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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