Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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