I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
