had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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