we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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