Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
