he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
