soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
