we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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