There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize