He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
