Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
