I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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