did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
